I NOT HITCHED!
by anime-matchmaker
Summary: Hey, Shizuka here...I TOLD animematchmaker not to put my diary in here! I am not famous and I am not hitched to Seto Kaiba! Argh! Why did you do this to me? I am just a servant with a fixed salary! Don't do this to me!
1. The Not so Simple Life!

I NOT HITCHED! By animematchmaker

Disclaimer- I do not own Yugioh and I never will. Done and done.

Hey everyone! Since I don't update often on my other fanfiction, I'm starting a new one (Ha! Aren't I great! --/) Anyway, hope you enjoy this fanfiction! Oh yes, read and review! By the way, this story is set around the future so it's a little more modern than old medieval stories but it still has some of its aspects kept!

CHAPTER ONE: The Not-so-Simple-Life

They did it again.

Not _it_, silly! SICKO!

Ergh! I hate it when they organize those fancy-pants-stupid-formal-Balls where those high-ranking aristocrats (mainly those "beautiful" ladies-in-waiting and the "beautiful" princesses and pretty-boy princes…not that I'm interested in them- I swear, I'm not) come dressed in frilly frocks and lacey socks- it sickens me…

…Well, it'd be funny to see a man in lacey socks

…And it's not that I don't like dresses. It's just that…well…I'm…

A MEASLY SERVANT!

THERE! I got it out into the open. Fabulous, ain't it?

I am the measly servant who has to clean and do palace-work. The King (Gozuburo) hates it when servants are seen participating in grand events like that.

I once heard that this guy who was employed for a year had dared to steal the King's robes and made the aristocracy believe that he was a noble from the Domino Kingdom.

Pfft.

What a loser.

He was thrown into the _Deep Dungeons of Kaiba_ for a month without food or water.

He DIED in there.

But I'm not sure if it's true because my brother, Jounouchi, or Joey as most of us like to call him, told me that story. And he's really good at telling stories.

I can tell _he's really into Mai_ too.

Oh, did I mention that we're ALL servants? All, as in, my brother, Yugi Mutou (my brother's best friend), Anzu Mazaki (or Tea for short- I wonder why no-one calls her Ann? Maybe she likes the name, "Tea"), also one of my brother's best friends, Honda Hiroto (who has a massive crush on me), Otogi Ryuuji (who also has a massive crush on me) plus Jounouchi's girlfriend Mai.

To make matters worse about me being a servant, the selfish ass of a prince, Seto Kaiba (my friends and I work at the Royal Kaiba Palace) bloody scoffs us because we're lowlife bums who don't have an education and spend time picking up other people's SHIT!

Stupid gay asshole.

I hate him! ERGH!

I hate him, I hate his guts, I hate this palace, I hate that old man Gozuburo who thinks he can push us around like friggin' pieces of crap!

Friggin' hell! THIS IS A HELL HOLE!

"Shizuka Kawai! Whaddaya doing sis?"

That's my brother, obviously…I can't really answer him right now, because I'm letting out some steam. In my diary- since I was educated before I was cruelly taken away from my dear mother. If you're wondering, I'm sixteen- the youngest, Everyone else here is nineteen…well…except Mai who is twenty-three.

"It's time to eat!"

That's Anzu- and boy, if she wasn't captured and taken away from her family, she would have been a wonderful dancer in America by now. But right now, she's the kitchen chef. I asked her what was for dinner tonight.

"Oh Shizuka. You know as well as I do that we're not as rich and filthy as the residents of the Kaiba Kingdom"

And the worst part is, she is absolutely right.

I hate my life.

And guess what?

It's rice paddy night! Hurrah!

Staple food galore!

GAAH! I CAN'T STAND THIS!

But I have no choice.

I'm just a measly servant.

In a hell hole.

In a hell hole that belongs to the Kingdom of Kaiba.

Could my less-than-perfect life get any worse?


	2. A day in the life of Shizuka

I NOT HITCHED! By animematchmaker

Disclaimer- I do not own Yugioh and I never will. Done and done.

If you are wondering, this story is set around our time, so, yes, the language is modern but it still contains some aspects of the medieval times (like princes and princesses and stuff like that). Think of it as a 'blast from the past'

CHAPTER TWO- A Day in the life of Shizuka

……………………………………………………….

_Dearest Diary,_

_My name is Shizuka Kawai. I'm also known as Serenity by my closest, dearest friends!_

_I live the beautiful life…_

_I have everything from intelligence to looks…_

_Doesn't everyone wish to be me….?_

_Oh, would you look at the time! I have to go and entertain the guests with my charm and grace…_

_Farewell my sweet diary…_

_Until we meet again…_

_Love,_

_Shizuka Kawai_

……………………………………………………….

You know, if you change the above entry details from "Shizuka Kawai" to "Seto Kaiba" and cut out the part about closest, dearest friends, you'd have the perfect diary entry for him.

Although…if he did sound like that, he'd definitely sound gay.

shudder

Poor sad Kaiba…alone with no friends except for his brother…

…

Well…at least his little brother, Mokuba, has friends.

Too bad he doesn't share.

And Kaiba? He owns the biggest Gaming Corporation I've ever heard of.

Actually, I think it's the only Gaming Corporation I've ever heard of.

Kaiba Corp.

Original, isn't it?

His father, on the other hand, owns his war items.

Along with his fair share of concubines.

And I thought royalty didn't do anything…

Well. Let's see what's on my timetable today.

…

6.00am-6.30am: Wake up. Get ready for work.

6.30am-7.00am: Wake up everybody else since they're lazy slobs.

7.00am-7.30am: Go down to Royal Chambers to wake up King Gozuburo Kaiba, Prince Seto Kaiba and the rest of the residence of Royal Kaiba Palace.

7.30am-8.00am: Help prepare breakfast for the miserable old hags.

8.00am-9.00am: Water the massive Royal Garden with Mai, Yuki and Ayaka.

9.00am-9.30am: Clean up breakfast room with Otogi and Honda.

9.30am-12.00pm: Go to Grand Tokyo Central with Yugi and Anzu to purchase goods for grand banquet.

LIST: Clean white table cloth; must be made from pure white duck feathers (possibly 13m x 2m), eighteen sets of silver cutlery, gourmet meat and vegetables for President of China and wife, organic grown vegetables for President of India, also: see list for vegetables and meat required for four nobles, three knights, two princesses and five ladies-in-waiting. CLEAR CHAMPAGNE GLASSES ALSO REQUIRED.

12.00pm-1.30pm: 1½ hours of break. Update events for the day in diary.

1.30pm-4.30pm: Clean up entire third floor of palace with Yuki, Ayaka and Yuuta. Replace towels, scrub toilet, throw away empty bottles of aftershave…

4.30pm-6.00pm: Help others set up ballroom (banquet is handled by Anzu and the palace kitchen crew)

6.00pm onwards: Stay in servants' dormitory until absolutely necessary to do some more work

…

Well, that's a busy schedule isn't it? Oh, by the way, Yuki and Ayaka are the same age as me. They are orphan twins who were also brutally taken away from their families by the asshole, King Kaiba (Haha…King_ Kong_, King _Kaiba_…okay, you don't get it…) and now they're working as servants too. So's Yuuta- he's really cute although he and Ayaka are going out- and to think! Servants going out…

…Err-hum! Anyway, it's 7.00am, it's a Friday and it's my turn to wake up the miserable lot. And to make matters worse, I have to wake them...

…one by one…

Well, actually, it's only some residential concubines and Prince Seto that I have to wake up _manually_ (and it's not what you think…and not in _that_ way…). This rich palace has a built-in announcement system which ensures that the VIPs of the palace wake up just at the right time for their daily duties.

I'm surprised they even HAVE duties.

I mean, if I were a Royal, I would just boss everyone around.

Oh wait.

They already do that.

Anyway, the built-in announcement system is a little faulty at the moment in Seto's and in the Whores' (oops, shouldn't say that) rooms. So the servants have to rotate each day to wake up whoever hasn't woken up yet.

Until the system has been fixed (which takes a hell of long time since that stupid technician says there's too many confusing wires inside of the walls…what kind of a technician is that?) we have to wake them up.

And today's my turn. Unfortunately.

"Good luck" says Yugi. He had the most mischievous grin on his face.

"Thanks for the encouragement" I replied to him politely. I'm, like, always polite on the outside.

Sometimes I think I'm too polite for my own good.

Bleh!

It's time for me to go the Royal Chambers…

Well, see in about a few hours, diary!

Oh my god, that sounds so cheesy…

"_Well, see in about a few hours, diary!"_

shudder

Too much cheese…

……………………………………………………….

Hello! I'm back! It is now 12.10pm!

And I'm so exhausted…

Those stupid concubines of Gozuburo Kaiba…do you know what they did to me today? That oversized hoe, Lady Seira squashed me like a friggin' pancake when I tried to wake her up for a full on, let's say…ten minutes!

It took me ten minutes to wake her up!

TEN MINUTES!

Stupid witch! But she's too obese (she's been stuffing herself too much ever since she hooked up with Gozuburo) to sit on a broom anyway.

And she's so…kissy feely! She was like,

"Oh hello, you," in this creepy accent, "I am awake, my darling! As free as a bird!"

And she gave me this great big slobbery smack on my forehead and hugging me like I'm some ragdoll.

But the concubine in the room down the hallway was EVEN WORSE. Her name is Lady Juria. She's about as shriveled as a prune and as dry as a desert. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little but she's SO RUDE.

She was bossing me around and saying that the window wasn't opened correctly, her bed wasn't made the way that she liked it, the carpet still had a tiny, microscopic speck of dust on it, the wardrobe wasn't colour coordinated…blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

I was, like, "Shut up, bitch!"

But I didn't really say that, of course. I would've have been skinned alive. All I said was-

"Please my Lady, I need to awaken His Majesty, Prince Seto now. It was a pleasure serving you…"

I swear that I literally ate 100 lemons after that. That comment was _painful_!

But not as painful as what I did after I woke Lady Juria.

As it is Friday, I was the one nominated to wake up the little Princess- I mean- Prince!

Actually, it wasn't so bad…

No…actually, it was…

Okay, here's what happened…

……………………………………………………….

Shizuka- knocks…no reply…walks into Kaiba's room, goes over to Kaiba and shakes him

"…Your Majesty, it is time for you to awaken…"

Seto- sleeps without notice of Shizuka's call

Shizuka- "It is seven o'clock, your majesty!"

Seto- snores

Shizuka- "Ergh! Wake up!"

angrily rips bedcovers off Kaiba revealing his bare chest and Spiderman boxers

Shizuka- "OH MY GOD!"

Seto- bounds up to Shizuka's surprisingly shrill voice

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"

quickly covers himself with his bed sheets

Shizuka- blushes furiously

"Umm, sire, it is seven o'clock…"

Seto- "GET OUT!"

Shizuka- "But-"

Seto- "GET OUT, YOU BLOODY MISFIT!"

……………………………………………………….

And that's basically how it turned out. He yelled, I ran.

And boy, you have not seen me run as fast as I did then.

But it did give me an advantage because I missed out on helping to prepare the breakfast table for the miserable old hags!

Anzu-chan wasn't too pleased about it though.

"Where were you Shizuka! You spent almost an hour waking them up!" she exclaims, "You _were_ supposed to help me prepare the breakfast omelettes!"

Well SOR-RY!

Oh yeah, I _really_ enjoyed getting squashed to a flapjack, verbally abused by a human dried prune and stumbled upon Captain Spiderman-boxers and him yelling at me like a friggin'…

…A friggin…

Oh, who cares! I can't be bothered thinking right now because I'm majorly pissed.

You know why? Because watering the massive garden to WAY longer than I thought it would. And I mean it.

You see, I was the one who was really doing any work at all because Mai was helping my brother pick up some decorations at Grand Tokyo Central (when I say 'help,' I mean that literally…) and stupid Ayaka was making out with Yuuta because Yuki's sick today and she can't work. So Yuuta was our 'replacement.'

Great work guys…

Anyway, that Yuki is such a liar but unfortunately she can act as if she really has caught the flu. Damn you, Yuki, damn you…

I'm only a good actress when it really counts…

Ooh, like that time when I fake cried in front of this posh lady-in-waiting and she felt so sorry for me that she gave me this $100 bill! I was so proud of myself! But then onii-chan was feeling a little greedy for money so he begged for money…and he got something…then Otogi begged…then Honda…then Yugi…

Well, let's just say this posh lady wasn't so posh anymore.

Hey! Is it my fault that she was generous?

Oh, back to the point…I was watering the garden and that definitely took longer than I expected because…well…Ayaka-chan and Yuuta-kun were "enjoying life" so I was nice enough to leave them alone and watered the whole garden by myself.

Pooh! Lazy idiots…

So once again, I missed out on helping my other friends clean up the shit from the Royals' daily doings (but not literally, if you know what I mean)

Honda and Otogi were okay with it though because Yuki was helping them…

Waitaminute! Yuki was sick…

THE LITTLE LIAR! SHE LIES! THE LITTLE SCAMP! FEH!

Well, maybe she knew about Ayaka and Yuuta too…I guess that's acceptable…

NO! I WILL NOT GIVE IN AND BE KIND! YUKI WAS _SUPPOSED_ TO HELP ME!

ARGH!

I need a holiday…

Oh yeah, I went shopping with Yugi-kun and Anzu-chan. That was the only fun thing that happened today…Anzu was still pretty pissed off at me- just because I didn't help to make one little omelette…

My life is a toilet.

I was in charge of finding the duck-feather table cloth, the eighteen sets of silver cutlery and clear champagne glasses while Yugi and Anzu were shopping for food. They didn't really take as long as me because I was trying to find the best darn tablecloth for the Royal bas….

Okay…! It's almost the end of the year and I really should make a New Year's Revolution to stop swearing! Well, I have to go now, because I have to follow my stupid busy schedule…

CYA!

……………………………………………………….


	3. Random Rant

I NOT HITCHED! By animematchmaker

Disclaimer- I do not own Yugioh and I never will. Done and done.

If you are wondering, this story is set around our time, so, yes, the language is modern but it still contains some aspects of the medieval times (like princes and princesses and stuff like that). Think of it as a 'blast from the past'

A/N: Yep! Shizuka's BAAAAAAAACKKKKKKK! She's not the sweet little innocent girl now, is she?

CHAPTER THREE- Random Rant

……………………………………………………….

EEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Do you know what happened today! DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW!

invisible crowd cowers in fear

Well I'll tell you- no wait…I will write it down…

It's that STUPID BLOODY WHORE'S fault! She started it!

And no, it's not one of Gozuburo's whores at all- she's part of Seto Kaiba's harem…

Or "cheerleading fan club."

Up my ass!

Eww. That sounded wrong…

Anyway, the big strong guys (they're a separate group of servants- think of them as delivery truck guys) were moving the stuff that we (Anzu, Yugi and me) bought from the shops.

Then the servants were in charge of setting up the whole ball room.

Not fun.

The decorations were unfortunately…not suitable. But honestly, can you tell what's wrong with Mr. Fuzzy Bunny printed balloons and backdrops?

So who else but fat head Seto Kaiba (yes, I am abusing him- I hate his guts but DAMN! He's good-looking….NO! I AM NOT FALLING FOR HIM, BITCHES!) strolls in and verbally abuses all of us.

And he was, like, "WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE BUNNIES ON OUR WALLS! THIS IS NOT A FUCKING BABY SHOWER! IT'S THE BALL TO RELEASE MY LATEST GAME!"

-whimpers- But…but…I like Mr. Fuzzy Bunny…you make Shizuka cry…

"…I'd like to release HIS balls…" began Ayaka who was standing next to me (without Yuuta! WOAH! What a surprise!). She blushes after making that comment, "I…I…mean! Err…Yuuta's balls! I, err, um…"

Yep. Ayaka-chan's having a blonde moment (she dyed her hair blonde a few weeks ago- yes, we do have our own reasonable salary packet to pay for our own hair dye).

What the hell was that! I thought she liked Yuuta! Pfft! What a two-timer…

Back to the fuzzy bunnies…while Kaiba was being a total and utter dick, us servants had to bear the pain by setting up at least 20 long tables (which ended up being 1m x 11m- see? My SUPERIOR calculations were CORRECT as usual!) with the exclusive duck feather tablecloths.

And who else comes along but this whore.

And not just ANY old whore, sir.

She's even worse than Lady Seira or Lady Juria!

Lady Vanessa.

Geez…what a waste of a perfectly pretty name. How about Lady Vanity for starters?

No…her ego is too big for that.

And so is her chest.

I mean, WOAH!

BIG KNOCKERS!

And no, I'm not a pervert (not like some people… -coughAyakacough-)

…it's just difficult NOT to notice them! Gosh, even Anzu-chan and Mai nee-chan notices them.

They are somewhat jealous.

"If only I had those…" gushes Mai.

Excuse me? You've turned on at least several guys in this palace including my brother.

And you're a servant! Per-lease!

Anyway, Lady Vanity's only about 18. And she's in harem paradise only because Gozuburo's such a pervert that he hires all these disgustingly attractive women…

…for his SON!_ The_ Seto Kaiba!

Gosh. Everyone's a pervert nowadays with these yaoi and yuri and internet porn…

Anyway, Lady Vanity a whore and will ALWAYS stay a whore.

Do you know what she did today? That silly bitch was wearing the most revealing dress EVER.

I mean, if you want to be a prostitute or stripper-

Disgusting

We know, for Pete's sake, that your boobs are the size of friggin' watermelons.

But DO YOU HAVE TO EMBARRASS US ALL!

And she was trying so hard to impress Prince Kaiba that I almost bowled over, laughing my head off.

But if I did, I really would have had my head hacked off.

Fortunately, we're in the 21st Century- so no head hacking here, Mister! Or Miss!

See? I'm NOT being sexist- I'm being fair to all genders. But what are you supposed to address bisexuals or homosexuals? I'm confuzzled now…

-sweatdrop-

Sorry, off the topic. Okay. Vanity and boobs.

Here's what happened. And yes, I'm writing in my diary so of course I'll make a huge fuss out of this.

Do you know what she did!

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW!

-invisible crowd gasp-

SHE SPILT RED WINE ALL OVER MY ONE-OF-A-KIND DUCK FEATHER TABLE CLOTHS!

And you want to know what ELSE she did!

That's right…she put the blame on me!

"Oh…it's that little mousey slave over there…she's so clumsy, the poor dearie! You REALLY should punish her…" says Vanity.

The funny thing is, Kaiba was ACTUALLY turned on by this. You should have seen them! Swooning over each other like teenagers…yuck!

Oh wait! I'M a teenager. Albeit, one with COMMON SENSE.

So Mr. I'm-all-that strolls up to me and pokes me in the chest-

HEY! THAT'S ABUSE AGAINST WOMEN! I SHOULD FRIGGIN SUE HIS ARSE OFF!

Anyway, he pokes me in the chest

(AND I'M GONNA SUE HIS ARSE OFF!)

And tells me that I better treat Big Boobs with respect OR ELSE.

-sarcastic- Oh, I'm SOOOOOOO scared…

Why don't you go and dance in the Royal Gardens making daisy chains and singing old nursery rhymes, will ya? Because I hate your guts and I always will!

Oh, I'm angry and I'm pissed off.

And tomorrow's the Grand Ball…

HURRAY!

Not.

Oh well. I'll find a way to escape this hell hole.

Eventually.

Cya!

……………………………………………………….

_Shizuka Kawai_


	4. A night of fun and pleasure

I NOT HITCHED! By animematchmaker

Disclaimer- I do not own Yugioh and I never will. Done and done.

A/N: Thank you to all who reviewed! You've kept this fanfic ALIVE!! Muahaha!!

To Troubled Spirit Of Hell: The reason why I called this story 'I NOT HITCHED' is because there's a Chinese movie called 'I NOT STUPID' and it's pretty funny! So I thought that maybe this would have been a catchy title!

CHAPTER FOUR: A night of 'fun and pleasure'

……………………………………………………….

"A night of fun and pleasure' now, eh? Yeah right! You wish!

Okay, nothing interesting happened in the morning except the stupid technician still hasn't fixed that cruddy announcement system that wakes up all the Royal Whores and such…

Okay! Breath, girl- BREATH!! No more swearing, dammit!! Shit! I did it again!! And again!!

Oh…well at least I don't swear in public. My friends would be like, "WTF, mate?" because little innocent Shizuka saying bad words that could explode the fairy of good manners!

Pshaw. (I heard a lady-in-waiting say that once! What a cool dissing word!!)

Anyway, the technician fixed the system but then for some reason, it started playing Spice Girls songs over and over again…

Let's just say that Old King Kaiba wasn't a happy camper.

"SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!! RA RA RA!! OH GAWD!! TURN THAT INFERNAL PIECE OF SHIT OFF!!" yells Gozuburo in this ox-like voice. And woe is me, I thought Royalty were so supposed to have impeccable manners! Oh wait, Prince Kaiba said the 'F' word. Naughty, naughty…

And, woah. Someone has PMS!

The King is SECRETLY a woman! But then that means that Seto Kaiba is a love child!

Or gay!! WOOT!!

-dances to Wannabe-

So let's just say that the Kaiba Kingdom's going to hire a new technician.

That WON'T install Spice Girls songs on purpose.

Yep. Apparently, John told Stephanie who told Bill who told Steven who told Olivia who told Lisa who told Ayaka who told Yuuta who told Yuki who told me that the technician was actually sent from the Kingdom of Pegasus as a 'New Years Joke.'

Luckily, the Kaiba's don't know this yet

Or maybe they do…they have hidden cameras all around this palace…wait, that'll mean that they'll be able to spy on naked people!! In the shower!!

Oh my god!! That's foul and perverted!!

_Anyway_…after that 'terribly interesting morning,' us servants had to make the finishing touches for the Grand Ball that's happening in a few hours

Bad-ass Prince Kaiba told us to rip down the Mr. Fuzzy Bunny prints and now we're stuck with this utterly drab-looking dark blue décor that he ordered just recently.

Apparently he was shouting his heart through the phone

So the delivery dudes didn't cease to waste any time

I mean, it is THE Kaiba.

You just don't mess around with THE Kaiba.

Nope. No one messes around with THE Kaiba.

Ergh! Why am I bowing down to that bastard?!

No way in hell am I going to respect him!

So now I'm in the kitchen (I know it's a strange place to write in a diary but hey! Servants can't read! Except me of course! And maybe Anzu and Yugi but that's it- I KNOW they won't peep into my personal life…will they?)

I'm watching Anzu-chan make this wondrous seafood platter thing and that seafood chowder soup.

Yep. Apparently blue and seafood match up in Kaiba's world.

But water is only blue when the sky is blue…right? I wonder if we should tell him to paint the ceiling blue…?

Nah. He'll probably rip our heads off and suck our guts out.

Like. Eww.

Oh look! Anzu-chan's shouting insults at me! She's telling me to stop poking my fat nose into my fat book and get my fat ass all the way over there…

HEY! SHE INSULTED MY FAT SELF!

HEY! I'M NOT FAT!!

Not _that_ fat…

Okay, so I like sneaking chocolate from the kitchen every now and then…but I swear, as a servant, I'm NOT THAT FAT!!

I'm healthy!

For a servant…

Anyway, gotta go! I'll write in this tonight to tell you about the ball and stuff.

Le Grande Ball! Hurray!

……………………………………………………….

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!

-censored just in case little kids are reading. Shizuka's having a major swear fest and it AIN'T pretty-

OH MY GOD!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TONIGHT??!!!

-starts hyperventilating-

Okay…okay…I'm CALM and IN CONTROL…

Nothing will upset me…absolutely…nothing at all…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!

Those STUPID bunch of RETARDED FARTS became drunk and started hurling bottles of wine ALL OVER THE PLACE!!

Now the whole FUCKING place smells of alcohol!!

We spent time making the place so nice and pretty and THIS IS NOW THEY REPAY US??!

But that's not all. I have much more to tell and I'm saving the worst for last.

Not that,_ that_ little scene wasn't upsetting already but it involves me and major embarrassment.

The next thing that happened was those annoying ladies-in-waiting!

You should have seen them! They were swooning over nobles, the Princes (yes, even Prince Mokuba- gosh! The poor kid's underage for fuck's sake!) and even the King himself.

And they ACTUALLY enjoyed it!!

They're SUCH retards!!

Yes. Every one of them.

And what else? Ah, yes…

Those whores were lapdancing. Yes, LAPDANCING on the nobles' GOD DAMN LAPS!!!

YUCK!!!!!

I bet half of them or three-quarters of those whores were former strippers in their past life!

Or maybe it explains where Gozuburo got them in the first place…

EWW!!!!

You know, for an old man, he sure has his creature comforts…

Eww!! Old granny's getting laid!!!!! YUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKK!!!

Anyway, these kids from the neighbourhood actually dared to smash the windows and crash the Ball…

I'm surprised that the Kaiba's didn't verbally (or physically…and NOT in _that _way either, sickos') abuse them!

But of course, they were drunk. Drunken mongrels…

And the second last most exciting thing in the night was?

Us servants were all in the room that time and everyone started to have a food fight.

A FOOD FIGHT?!

WTF is this?! What kind of a kingdom is this?! Pegasus Kingdom?

Oh yeah, they have food fights all the time with their toon monsters and shit.

Anyway, back to the food fight- someone from the Pegasus Kingdom had carefully crafted a statue of King Maximillion Pegasus and sent it to the Kaibas' as a gift to them…possibly to create a 'peace alliance.'

Knowing Gozuburo with his sexual pleasures and warcrafts, I'd doubt that he would have any peace…especially how he reacted to the accidental installation of Spice Girls songs in his announcement system!

So, in this food fight, the people who were there started to chuck food at the 24 carat gold statue- specifically at Pegasus's –ahem- 'lower organs'

What is the world coming to? Every god damn person in that room is PERVERTED, I say! PERVERTED!

Then this crazy noble comes in with this massive iron bar (don't ask me how the hell he can lift that up) and smashes Pegasus's statue's head off!

Funny sight really…the head flew up in the air, hit the chandelier (causing it to fall) and landed into the watermelon with a SPLAT!!

Then everyone started to dance around the Pegasus-watermelon-thing like as if they were doing some weird voodoo ritual…

Woah. Those guys must've had some weird thing spiked in their drink…

Okay, the worst for last, huh? You don't really want to know. And I don't really want to tell you…

It's majorly embarrassing.

Okay, so I'm trying to serve everyone in that god damn room and who else but Prince Kaiba sees me. He has this weird look in his eyes…

"Oh hey there…" he says in this drunk voice, "What's a pretty girl like you doing here…?"

Only his drunk voice sounds so low and smooth that I felt a little light-headed…he sounded so…sexy…

WHAT THE FUCK?!!! I DON'T LIKE HIM!!!!

And then he rises up and puts his hand on my shoulder and leads me to the side of the room. Everyone else is still having a food fight so nobody really notices.

Then he's like, "So…do you want to have some fun with me…?"

God damn, he WAS really drunk! The next thing I know is that leads me into this cupboard. And now we're BOTH in this dark cupboard…

"I've never seen such a pretty servant as you…" he says as he pushes me to the wall. I swear, I was about to scream for help! But then he starts to embrace me. His face was so close to mine and then he started to move towards my neck…kissing it…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! NO!!! TOO PAINFUL TO WRITE!!!!

…Then his hands are all over me as he started to grope my ass…

It was then that I decided to whack him over the head with a fry-pan. Yeah. We were in the pantry and Anzu, who had opened the pantry to look for some cleaning utensils, saw us.

"OH MY GOD!!" she cried, rushing over to Prince Kaiba, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HIM?!!"

I'm just standing there with a fry-pan in my hand and half my uniform was showing some of my…undergarments.

"N…Nothing…" I reply stupidly but I was quick and able to button myself up. So the next thing is, Anzu and a few other servants call for medical help and police.

And I'm sitting here writing about this.

And the worst part is…I liked it.

OH, WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!

……………………………………………………….

_Shizuka Kawai._


	5. PMS Blues

I NOT HITCHED! By animematchmaker

To reviewers: Thank you all!

CHAPTER FIVE- PMS Blues

A/N: A fairly short chapter today!

……………………………………………………….

What the HELL is wrong with me?

Ergh! I'm having the worst day of my life! Guess what?!

It's THAT time of the month! And boy am I feeling absolutely, positively ticked off!

Nope. I'm not going to swear even though this time, the stuff just runs out like a freaking leaking tap!!

FUDGE IT ALL!!!! WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TO SUFFER?!! WOMEN, SUCH AS I??!

Why, dear god, can't men suffer for once? Why can't THEY have PMS? Or have babies? Or get pregnant for getting raped?

Because, dear friends- god is a MAN!!

Or…he could be female seeking for revenge against all females…we don't know for sure…

I'm sorry- I should not have said that- now I'll get punished and become a woman again next life! Noooooooooooooo…I've been so depressed and silly lately that I blame my fucked up life on everything and everyone!

Yeah. Anzu and Mai are really worried about me and my mentality.

"It is about…you know…_that_ night, right?" asks Mai. I was so majorly embarrassed then and there. Mai takes my hands in a sisterly fashion and looks me in the eye.

"Don't worry darling. You can tell us all about it…"

"I…uh…no…" I say to them. They smile and fidget around, sighing afterwards.

"You're…just guilty…" says Anzu, "That…you know…"

"I'm not guilty about anything!" I retaliate.

"How can you NOT be guilty about whacking Prince Kaiba with a fry-pan?!" exclaims Mai, taking her hands away from mine, "Shi-chan! You have become so selfish! What happened to that sweet little girl I knew, huh?"

Well, Miss Kujaku. I'm NOT that of a fucking sweetums you know. I'm swearing and complaining in my diary for Pete's sake!

At least they didn't mention what I thought they were about to mention- me AND Kaiba making out in the closet…or cupboard. Or whatever the hell that dark, dank and OH-SO SEXY spot was.

OH-SO SEXY??! WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?! I HATE HIS GUTS!!

Ah hell. Now I don't know what the hell to think anymore.

It's most likely lust, I say. I have no feelings for that bastard. He just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

And why the fuck did he have to grab _me_? Why couldn't he make out with Anzu instead?!

She was standing 5m away from us, god dammit!!

Or Ayaka, the two-timing ninny who wants to release his GOD DAMN BALLS!! Why couldn't he have grabbed her?!

SHE WAS STANDING NEXT TO ME!!!

And because of this, I can't stop thinking things about Seto Kaiba!!

Why me? WHY ME?!!

I'm so not going to turn into a silly lady-in-waiting and lapdance on him- god NO!!

But…why CAN'T I stop thinking about him?! Just because he's good-looking and all, it's not as if he has half a pea-sized brain to think properly.

So…my plan is- to get myself an actual boyfriend.

Yep. I am so going to get myself a boyfriend.

And NOT a Seto Kaiba branded one either.

Right after my –ahem- PMS ends…

……………………………………………………….

_Shizuka Kawai_


	6. Oh Boyfriend! Where Art Thou?

I NOT HITCHED! By animematchmaker

Disclaimer- I do not own Yugioh and I never will. Done and done.

CHAPTER SIX: Oh Boyfriend, Where Art Thou?

A/N: And I'm ALSO very sorry about the EXTREMELY late chapter! I was busy last year that I couldn't catch up with this!!

Sorry bout the short chapter last time but I couldn't really think of anything to 'pass the time' in Shizuka's world. Don't worry, I'll keep y' all entertained with my potty humour!

……………………………………………………….

Poor Anzu. I had almost a week off because of my silly little PMS stanza. She honestly complains too much about me not 'lifting up my finger.'

Well, boo sucks to you, Anzu! Just because Yugi doesn't want to screw you. Per-lease!

She should be lucky that I'm already out of my PMS thing. Otherwise I'd be whining my own head off, thank you!

But I guess she's right about the royalty and other 'royal pains in the neck.' Throwing alcohol bottles and having a Pegasus-themed food fight, is definitely not the right thing to do. And I thought the whole point of it was to release his new game.

Guess he never got around to it…

I mean…he did lead me into that cupboard….that dark, dank and sexy…

OH FUCK! WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?! THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR!!

See?! This is precisely the reason why I deciding to get a boyfriend!!

NOT A GODDAMN SEXY SON OF BITCH LIKE HIM!!

I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!!!!

Okay…right…I am CALM and IN CONTROL…breath girl, BREATH, DAMMIT!!

Sheesus. I really need a Kit Kat.

-Reaches for a Kit Kat-

Ah. That's better. Do I look like I care that I'll get chocolate stains on my oh-so precious diary?!

NO FREAKING WAY!

And do I care if someone finds out that I stole the chocolate from the Royal kitchens?

YES FREAKING WAY!!

But again, it's the 21st Century so nobody gives a shit. Especially not ME.

Anyway, I'm going to help my fellow servant buddies with the chores. Let's see the schedule today.

6.00am-6.30am: Wake up. Get ready for work. ALREADY DONE.

6.30am-7.30am: Prepare breakfast for the miserable mob of misfits

7.30am-9.00am: Laundry for the miserable mob of misfits

9.00am-12.00pm: Water the gardens for the miserable mob of misfits

12.00pm-1.30pm: Prepare lunch for the miserable mob of misfits

1.30pm-4.30pm: Clean up for the –you guessed it- miserable mob of misfits

4.30pm-6.00pm: Rest!!

6.00pm onwards: Hmm…not sure yet.

I guess it's a pretty "good" schedule.

Actually, any schedule that's involved with the Kaiba Kingdom is craptastic!!

But seriously! The more hours I spend on one task, the more time I get to look for a boyfriend!!

YES!! I, SHIZUKA KAWAI, NOT STUPID!!!

So I'm gonna go now. I will update at exactly 4.30pm on my…err…progress!!

So see you seen, my dearest diary!

Mwaa!

-Mental note to self: never write 'mwaa' ever again-

……………………………………………………….

Hey! I'm back! It's 4.40pm though.

Damn. Only 10 minutes late!

So screw me!

No wait…

DON'T screw me…

EWW!!! SICK THOUGHTS!!! ACK!! GET OUTTA MY HEAD!!!

Well, work sure was tough today.

I DID see a lot of guys though.

By GOD! They were f-ugly!!

I mean, eww!! Picking noses?! Scratching their asses? Burping so goddamn loudly that windows would shatter?!

And geez!! Will it kill NOT to fart in front of MY FACE?!

YUCK!! Even a skunk smells better!

No…scratch that.

I guess palace servants aren't always the best-looking bunch of guys.

Okay, so not ALL of them were THAT yucky-looking.

I mean, Yuuta's not half bad looking.

And since Ayaka was already caught cheating on some other guy…

WOOT!! I get to get Yuuta!!! Cuteness alertness!

Now…how should I get Yuuta to notice someone as cute and sweet as me…?

-ponders-

Ah! I know! What did Mai do in time of crisis like this?

BOOBS!!

That's right!! It's knocker-knocking time! Time to pound that hottie with my ultra-super-tanned-sexy-dynamite BREASTS!!

…

Geebus. If only I had enough money to inflate this flat chest. I mean, COME ON!! What kind of a feminine species has a rack like a fucking washboard?!

ME!!

OH CURSED RA!!

ME!!

So unfair. Its NO WONDER that sexy bitch Kaiba notices Lady Vanity. WHO WOULDN'T? And it's NOT because I'm a freaking pervert, thank you. It's because I'm a perfectly SANE human.

Now, back to boobs! I so wish I could enhance these…

And it's not like I'm going to 'borrow Mai's' or cut hers off and whack them on mine.

Like. Eww.

Explosive boobies! Yay!

But I guess I could…stuff a few pieces of fruit in my bra…or tissues…

Round fruit? Like…melons? Big…juicy…melons…?

And are they NICE AND FIRM?

YOU BET THEY ARE!

Oh why not? I mean, it's not like there aren't any melons in this crappy ol' dump of a palace!

That's a great idea!

Am I talking to myself again?

You bet I am!

I'll be right back, wait for me diary!

……………………………………………………….

(Later)

FUCK. THIS. HELL. HOLE.

Ergh!!

-continues to swear aimlessly at the poor innocents listening nearby-

I can't freaking stand this anymore!!

Okay, BREATH GIRL!! BREATH!!

-starts hyperventilating-

Oh gosh. As if my imperfect month gets even more imperfect!! This is SO GAY.

You can go blame it on Kaiba for all I care.

There I was. In the Kitchen. Getting melons.

Okay…maybe it was so MY fault. Because the next thing that happened was that Kaiba came into the scene with Lady Vanessa at his side. They were both laughing and Vanity was singing some slurred song.

Drunk again, much?

Anyway, I was in the kitchen (I'm not supposed to be since it's my break and breaks don't really consist of servants going into kitchens without permission! Ergh! I'm so stupid! I should've changed back into my servant clothes!!).

I was going to reach for a couple of small rock melons (since they give a bit of a bra texture?! WTF?!) but then Kaiba sees me again.

He's not his sexy self, that's for sure.

"What are YOU doing in here, girl?" he says coldly.

Damn that guy. He has this low voice that can sometimes scare the bejebus out of people.

The thing is, I had my back turned and I had already stuffed the melons before he said anything.

"Turn around, girl" he says in that low, scary voice. I couldn't turn around. I'm serious! My bra was too loose and I had to tighten it but fuck, why the hell did HE have to come in with HER at THAT VERY MOMENT?!

"I…I can't" I stammer in this gay, mouse voice. I start to scamper away but Kaiba catches me by the shoulder and whirls me around the face him. I look at him and notice his…lonely…blue orbs…

…

WHAT THE FUCK?!? I'M NOT WRITING A SAPPY LOVE FANFICTION!! ERGH!!

-sigh-

Might as well keep going so I can get this out of my system.

Anyway, he notices me and moves down onto my…chest area.

"…what is the meaning of this?" he asks, arching his eyebrows. I swear I almost saw some sparkle of interest there…

"I…uh…got hungry!" I squeak.

LAME.

WHAT A LAME EXCUSE.

"…and you're stealing them away in…your undergarments?" said Kaiba, somehow not letting go of my shoulder. And for some reason, not letting his eyes off my chest.

"…I had no other means of carrying them, sire…" I said nervously. I seriously had to stop looking at his gorgeous face. WHAT?!

A tender moment. Well, until Big Boobs came along.

"Ohohohohohoho!! I know what this little Missy is trying to do! She's trying to enhance her breasts! I used to do that when I was younger! That was, until mama-kun and papa-kun decided to give me million dollar treatment!"

With that, Lady Vanity laughed and laughed, making Kaiba laugh too.

"THAT IS FUCKING HILARIOUS AND PATHETIC!!" he says loudly, patting my head, "And if your bra wasn't undone…"

I had to leave at that very moment. He saw them. He saw my real boobs.

That flat, washboard rack of mine.

I am SO embarrassed. I will never show my face in front of him EVER AGAIN.

…

Well that certainly put me out of the mood.

"…Shizuka?"

Oh, look! It's Yuuta! He's there at my door.

"…why are you crying?"

I don't know. I don't know why I'm crying.

Maybe it's because I'm so ugly and stupid that no handsome Prince will EVER come to my rescue…

"…you're not ugly and stupid! You're intelligent and beautiful, Shizuka…"

I'm sorry, I can't go on like this. I need someone to care for me right now…

……………………………………………………….

_Shizuka Kawai_


End file.
